Take Care...

"Take care of the pieces that people give you of themselves.

 They can still feel them."

A Bottle of Wine, a Pack of Ciggies and Thou... Really Random Thoughts

October 5th would've been my sister, Sharon's 61st birthday. God, I really, really miss her. When I hear some song that reminds me of her, when I look out at the changing seasons, when I see birds flying over, she's always there. "Make it like a memory, make it like a dream unreal..." I like to think of her finally flying free, high above all her earthly suffering and pain. Still, sometimes it's hard. Selfishly, I need to talk to her, to hear her voice. I want to tell her, "...forgive me, I never really understood the depth of your illness but now I do and I wish I could just hold your hand once more, to see your smile, to know you're at peace." I love you, my dearest sister, Sharon.

Life is such an odd thing. Full of joys, happiness, light, and love, yet so filled with pain, longing, loss, and regrets. People come and go through our lives as though we're going to live forever. They say, "hello, how are you, you're important to me, and I love you", yet then disappear for years at a time, sometimes for a lifetime and ultimately, forever. Carpe Diem? Is that it? Are we to be as digital cameras, quick flashing memories before life takes those we love away from us? Pardon my wine induced cynicism but I'd rather linger over my friends and loved ones than feel as though I have to grasp at every moment, in case tomorrow never comes.

It's not as though I'm wrestling with aging, I've gotten used to that concept (and actually kinda like it). It's only my heart screaming at the moment; raging against the Gods or whatever it is that leads us to love people so dearly and then, without so much as a hint, rips them away from us. Ah well... shit happens, people die, people lie and leave you behind, life goes on... all those lousy, worn-out cliches that do nothing but remind us how powerless and small we really are on this whirling, crazy planet.

"I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,

but I didn't see...

that the joke was on me.

I started to cry, which started the whole worth laughing,

oh if I'd only seen

that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,

and I fell out of bed

hurting my head

from things that I'd said.

Till I finally died

which started the whole world living

Oh if I'd only seen

that the joke was on me."

The Bee Gees (Barry Gibb)


"Why, Hello, say, can I buy you another glass of beer?
Well, thanks a lot, that's kind of you, it's nice to know you care.
These days, there's so much going on
No one seems to want to know.
I may be just an old soldier's son,
but I know how it feels to grow old.


Yeah, that's right
you can see me here most every night.
You'll always see me staring at the walls and the lights.
Funny, I remember.. oh.. just years ago I'd say,
I'd stand at that bar with my friends who've passed away
and drink three times the beer 
that I can drink today...
yes, I know how it feels to grow old.


I know what they're saying, son,
there goes old mad Joe again.
Will it maybe matter that I've seen enough
 to make a man go out of his brains?
Whadda they know what it's like to have a graveyard as a friend
Cause that's where they are gone, all of them.
Don't seem like me,
I get friends like that again.


Well, it's time I moved off
but it's been great just listening to you,
and I might even see you next time I'm passing through.
You're right, there's so much going on,
no one seems to want to know.
So keep well, keep well old friend and
have another drink on me.
Just ignore all the others,
you've got your memories."


Talking Old Soldiers
Elton John (Bernie Taupin)

Random Thoughts

It has been quite some time since I last wrote this blog. I always mean to write but life tends to get in the way. So many things happening, yet my mind is still unsettled on many of those events. In some ways, it is a very difficult and emotional time; in others, a very happy, productive time. I detest life's contradictions. I'm really an all or nothing kind of girl. Since I am undecided and up-in-the-air about many things at this particular point in my life, I really have no conclusions to share with you at the moment.  I suppose this is why I don't blog during these periods. I've decided to share some of my scattered, random thoughts (and they are, indeed, random).

For my Mom: You were with me the day I came into this world and, as God is my witness, I will be there with you on the day you leave it. I love you.

For My Son: You are STILL what is beautiful in me. I love you.

For My Husband: You have seen in me what others have turned away and refused to see. You have listened patiently to all my dreams (and I know they are huge), and set about to help me make them all come true. There has never been an obstacle we couldn't overcome together nor a place that would feel like home ever again unless you were there. I wouldn't trade all our years together for anything or anyone. I love you.


'til the next time,

Love,
Cindi