...And In the End

 

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

Truth

Absence...

If your absence doesn't affect them, your presence never mattered. 

 

 

Time To Say Goodbye

The Means to attain Happy Life Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey. 1516–47 MARTIAL, the things that do attain     The happy life be these, I find:—   The richesse left, not got with pain;     The fruitful ground, the quiet mind;     The equal friend; no grudge, no strife;          5   No charge of rule, nor governance;   Without disease, the healthful life;     The household of continuance;     The mean diet, no delicate fare;     True wisdom join'd with simpleness;   10 The night dischargèd of all care,     Where wine the wit may not oppress.     The faithful wife, without debate;     Such sleeps as may beguile the night:   Contented with thine own estate   15   Ne wish for death, ne fear his might.

Arthur Quiller-Couch, ed. 1919. The Oxford Book of English Verse: 1250–1900.

What She Did...

The Space Between The Words

"Now you have gone into that space
Beyond language

You have gone into the pauses in our conversation
The time beyond time and time within time

You are in those moments when we sit in the audience
Waiting for the curtain to rise

And the end when the curtain has closed
And the actors have taken their bows

You are within the pauses of the bird’s song
When we strain to hear the next note

In the water between the fish
In the traveler’s silence within a foreign language

You are in the air that fills the sky
In the moments after the sunset

You are between night and day
Spirit next to soul

You are in the space between the words
The moment before the artist picks up her brush"

Vicky Lettmann
Oct. 1, 2013

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." 

- Oscar Wilde

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come: Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Shakespeare Sonnet 116

Take Care...

"Take care of the pieces that people give you of themselves.

 They can still feel them."

A Bottle of Wine, a Pack of Ciggies and Thou... Really Random Thoughts

October 5th would've been my sister, Sharon's 61st birthday. God, I really, really miss her. When I hear some song that reminds me of her, when I look out at the changing seasons, when I see birds flying over, she's always there. "Make it like a memory, make it like a dream unreal..." I like to think of her finally flying free, high above all her earthly suffering and pain. Still, sometimes it's hard. Selfishly, I need to talk to her, to hear her voice. I want to tell her, "...forgive me, I never really understood the depth of your illness but now I do and I wish I could just hold your hand once more, to see your smile, to know you're at peace." I love you, my dearest sister, Sharon.

Life is such an odd thing. Full of joys, happiness, light, and love, yet so filled with pain, longing, loss, and regrets. People come and go through our lives as though we're going to live forever. They say, "hello, how are you, you're important to me, and I love you", yet then disappear for years at a time, sometimes for a lifetime and ultimately, forever. Carpe Diem? Is that it? Are we to be as digital cameras, quick flashing memories before life takes those we love away from us? Pardon my wine induced cynicism but I'd rather linger over my friends and loved ones than feel as though I have to grasp at every moment, in case tomorrow never comes.

It's not as though I'm wrestling with aging, I've gotten used to that concept (and actually kinda like it). It's only my heart screaming at the moment; raging against the Gods or whatever it is that leads us to love people so dearly and then, without so much as a hint, rips them away from us. Ah well... shit happens, people die, people lie and leave you behind, life goes on... all those lousy, worn-out cliches that do nothing but remind us how powerless and small we really are on this whirling, crazy planet.

"I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,

but I didn't see...

that the joke was on me.

I started to cry, which started the whole worth laughing,

oh if I'd only seen

that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,

and I fell out of bed

hurting my head

from things that I'd said.

Till I finally died

which started the whole world living

Oh if I'd only seen

that the joke was on me."

The Bee Gees (Barry Gibb)


"Why, Hello, say, can I buy you another glass of beer?
Well, thanks a lot, that's kind of you, it's nice to know you care.
These days, there's so much going on
No one seems to want to know.
I may be just an old soldier's son,
but I know how it feels to grow old.


Yeah, that's right
you can see me here most every night.
You'll always see me staring at the walls and the lights.
Funny, I remember.. oh.. just years ago I'd say,
I'd stand at that bar with my friends who've passed away
and drink three times the beer 
that I can drink today...
yes, I know how it feels to grow old.


I know what they're saying, son,
there goes old mad Joe again.
Will it maybe matter that I've seen enough
 to make a man go out of his brains?
Whadda they know what it's like to have a graveyard as a friend
Cause that's where they are gone, all of them.
Don't seem like me,
I get friends like that again.


Well, it's time I moved off
but it's been great just listening to you,
and I might even see you next time I'm passing through.
You're right, there's so much going on,
no one seems to want to know.
So keep well, keep well old friend and
have another drink on me.
Just ignore all the others,
you've got your memories."


Talking Old Soldiers
Elton John (Bernie Taupin)

Random Thoughts

It has been quite some time since I last wrote this blog. I always mean to write but life tends to get in the way. So many things happening, yet my mind is still unsettled on many of those events. In some ways, it is a very difficult and emotional time; in others, a very happy, productive time. I detest life's contradictions. I'm really an all or nothing kind of girl. Since I am undecided and up-in-the-air about many things at this particular point in my life, I really have no conclusions to share with you at the moment.  I suppose this is why I don't blog during these periods. I've decided to share some of my scattered, random thoughts (and they are, indeed, random).

For my Mom: You were with me the day I came into this world and, as God is my witness, I will be there with you on the day you leave it. I love you.

For My Son: You are STILL what is beautiful in me. I love you.

For My Husband: You have seen in me what others have turned away and refused to see. You have listened patiently to all my dreams (and I know they are huge), and set about to help me make them all come true. There has never been an obstacle we couldn't overcome together nor a place that would feel like home ever again unless you were there. I wouldn't trade all our years together for anything or anyone. I love you.


'til the next time,

Love,
Cindi

Oh My! It's August Already...

Lots of good things happening lately (yay!).  The downward trend is on the bounce and I like it!  I always did love a bouncy strut. =)

My son, Zak, got a 4.0 last semester at Thiel College and is heading down the home stretch of his senior year starting next week.  He did a brutal internship as a psychological counselor over the summer for Keystone, a local state funded 'last chance' shelter for neglected, abused, and abandoned children.  It was very difficult for him as he saw so many kids who could be helped with the proper counselling, yet the facility rather forces you to become their jailer as much as their counsellor.  While Zak is not fond of the corrections field in criminal justice/psychology, he did have a wealth of opportunities to counsel several kids and was able to leave the summer internship with a feeling of accomplishment.  What he seemed to take away from the internship was his determination to avoid the corrections field and to focus solely on counselling.

My Mom was able to return home from the physical rehabilitation/nursing home this past Saturday, 23 August 2010, in fine spirits and feeling much stronger.  My eldest sister, Linda, is spending Mom's first week out of the hospital with her at home to get her settled in and to assist her where she can.  I will fly out to Houston next Saturday, 28 August, to spend the second week at home with Mom to ensure that she is comfortable and well-fed.  Mom's remarkable recovery is a testament to her strength and the strength of her family's love for her.

Our dog, Scarlett, is hanging in there and still a big, ole fuzzy, lovey bear of a dog.  She definitely feels her age and this illness has taken an apparent toll on her coat, as well as her overall activity, yet she remains her sweet, loving, doting self who is always there when you need a little unconditional love.

We've also welcomed two new members to our ever growing family; two baby kittens.  John's sister, Joanne, rescued them from under the house we inherited from John's mum.  Since I had utterly and completely fallen in love with my Mom's two kittens while I was last in Texas, I had decided that when I did finally get kittens, that I wanted to get two siblings.  Somewhere, a long time ago, I read an astrology report written for me which read, in part: "This woman believes in miracles, sometimes to the point of rashness, yet she believes... and funny thing, miracles happen most to those who believe..." Well, sure enough, my miracle arrived in the form of two sibling kittens who have been dubbed Puffin and Bitsy.  According to the vet, Puffin is a female -- although I would have bet a fine sum that Puffin was an alpha male, very much the dominant leader.  As to Bitsy's gender, who we all assumed by appearance and behavior to be a female, the jury's -- and the vet's -- still out.  Apparently, some equipment may or may not be showing as yet.  Puffin came by her name quite honestly, for she is one huge puffball of gray furry hair, quite long haired actually.  Bitsy, the 'runt' of the litter (my heartstrings are always tugged by the underdog), seemed delicate and tiny and I found myself calling her "Lil Bit", which ultimately became Bits and then Bitsy.  They are a delight!  Watching them romp, pounce, and play together does my heart good and the gentleness and protectiveness they show toward each other, and us, has completely won us over.

Life is good.  We seem to be overflowing with blessings of late and we are thankful for them all.

"To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn..."

I haven't written in this blog in what seems an eternity.  I was using a different blog but forgot the bloody sign-in info. *rolls eyes*  A little voice inside my head whispers, "Hey! that's what happens when you get old!"  Me?  Old?  Nahhhhhh.... my little voice needs to hushie.

It has been a very tumultuous time for me personally of late.  So many losses, near losses, and potential losses in my life at the moment.  My wonderful mother-in-law of twenty some-odd years, Lillian, died at the age of 98 in June, 2009.  She lived a long, full, wonderful life and was ready to leave this earthly life.  I'm  just not certain we were all ready to let her go just yet.  I miss you, Lillian.  Then, toward the end of 2009, I learned that my ex-husband, Gene Brawn had died.  Gene will be missed mightily.  Next, I lost my beloved sister, Sharon, in January of this year.  Sharon had just turned 60 with a couple of months to spare before her death.  This loss rattled me to the core.  Sharon and I were extremely close growing up and I will miss her every day that I remain on this earth.

Recently, my mother was taken quite ill and was given up for lost by the doctors when our family agreed to put her on a respirator.  After a few days, she began breathing over the respirator and fought like the scrapper I've always known she is, recovering enough to have the respirator removed.  While it has been a long, hard-fought battle, with quite a few gains and setbacks along the way, she has been released from the hospital and transferred to a skilled nursing/physical rehabilitation facility to get her back on her feet to return home.  We are all delighted with her amazing progress.

Watching my mother's remarkable battle with this illness brought several important issues to the forefront of my mind.  Firstly, her intense will to live overcame incredible obstacles.  While I always knew she was strong, I was amazed with her valiant struggle, against all odds.  Secondly, the end of life decisions a family must make when there is no advance directive, except for her statement at an earlier point that she wanted all medical means used in that instance, hit home for me during her illness.  I made a few personal decisions for how I wish to be treated in that situation, which had never been clear to me before then, and I communicated those wishes to my husband and family.  Nothing makes things clearer than while staring the issue straight in the face.

Meanwhile, at home, we are nursing our Newfie, our beloved companion, family member, and friend, Scarlett, through a rather serious bout of Cushings Disease.  She has a tumor on her adrenal gland, as well one possibly on her pituitary.  She appears to be doing pretty well, although I'll be happier when we can stop giving her the medication that essentially kills her adrenal gland.  She's still her loving, slobbery, goofy self, though bent by her years a bit (but aren't we all) and her illness.  We're working hard to keep her comfortable and happy for her remaining time with us.

All of these things have affected me deeply and taught me many things.  I suppose we never stop learning life's hardest lessons, though I might like a break from them for just a bit.

Till next time...
Love,

Cindi

Wisdom Comes From the Most Unexpected Places

Today, I was reading "Notes from Anne" from the Anne Kerry Ford website. Don't ask me why I was reading it; prurient curiosity, I suppose. Yet, today, I was shocked and surprised to find, on generally what is a self-promoting, self-congratulatory site, something of great depth, substance, and personal meaning to me. Wisdom does, indeed, come from the most unexpected places.

"The Nightingale"

I built my house beside the wood
So I could hear you singing
And it was sweet and it was good
And love was all beginning

Fare thee well my nightingale
`Twas long ago I found you
Now all your songs of beauty fail
The forest closes `round you

The sun goes down behind a veil
`Tis now that you would call me
So rest in peace my nightingale
Beneath your branch of holly

Fare thee well my nightingale
I lived but to be near you
Though you are singing somewhere still
I can no longer hear you

- Leonard Cohen

Notes to Hillary: Give It Up!

Earth to Hillary...are you there, Hillary? You've lost, Hill, so please pack up your campaign and go home (does anyone really know where "home" is for you?). It's hard to watch you in the best of times, but watching you now is just plain painful. Your unwillingness to accept defeat is unseemly at best; pathetic at worst. It's reality check time for you, Hillary. Your master plan with Bill has failed. You made the mistake of letting him run first and he trashed the Presidency and the White House, not to mention humiliated you in the process. Your time has come and gone and it's time to allow the future and its promise to unfold. As a Republican who has become weary of the policies of the Bush administration and the neocons, I find myself inspired by Barack Obama. Mr. Obama gives me hope, as I have not felt hope in an election since the days of John F. Kennedy. Hillary, stop clinging to the White House drapes. Let it go.

So... Who The Hell Am I, Anyway?

I am a one of those people known as a "Boomer" and now, am somewhere between the ages of 50 and death. Like most people of my generation, I have a strong work ethic, an insatiable curiosity, and I am ever in search of the proverbial "American Dream." That dream has altered greatly since I first learned of it. My original understanding of it was that anyone who worked hard and applied themselves, could achieve whatever they wanted in this life as an American. While I have, to some extent, achieved the American dream, I find myself railing at how that dream has changed and, unfortunately, how we who worked so hard to achieve it are now being penalized for having met with some measure of success.